[網傳熱文]《做過婚姻介紹中心,先明白有d女係傻架。第二集》(中)

文:
2015.01.17

續上文《做過婚姻介紹中心,先明白有d女係傻架。第二集》(上)

作為一個男人,我當時係經歷緊一個好複雜既心理搏鬥,我相信好多男士都有過呢種經驗,我諗各位兄弟都明白,呢個真係一個to be or not to be既問題,我當時係問左自己好多好多次,到底呢個鐘數百佳仲有無位呢,定係應該去九龍塘好,而身處告士打道既我,如果揸去跑馬地搵個車位個車窗又夠唔夠 高呢?

就係呢個係咁關鍵性既moment,佢嘔,佢係我架落地2個月既Lexus上面嘔

佢嘔得好豪邁好向左走向右走夠中氣chu到行一行仲揸向左走向右走住我堂太黎借力,呼一聲好似瀑布咁嘔左一大攤我唔向左走向右走知係乜勁既野係個位度,到佢終於嘔完我成個人仲呆緊都唔知應該點反應既時候,點知佢只係回一回氣然後今次向住佢隔離位即係我又呼一聲

我真係唔知佢係咪食左屎黎,點解可以嘔到咁向左走向右走臭又腥又叔又酸又臭,佢一呼果下我已經將個頭頂向左走向右走住個窗咁去避,但係個頭縮頭個龜頭縮唔到,我係成條褲都係,我已經唔敢望,但係我終於明咩叫勁縮

到佢終於完事之後,我係無清理度,我果吓個腦裡面只係諗住一件事,而五分鐘之後,我將呢個諗法實現左:















我將條今天扔左係警署門口,然後頭也不回咁走向左走向右走左
 

果晚我返到屋企,將部車泊左係樓下,行出黎,條褲仲一滴滴咁。我扒左係車頭襟上面,我唔知點解要咁做,可以係因為我覺得咁樣有一種將部車攬住既感覺,塊車頭襟好凍,我褲襟都涼浸浸,我不自覺咁喊左出黎

我平時連係架車上面放個屁都驚整臭張登,但係依家成個位都係啲人地既嘔吐物,我有種被人強姦左既感覺,係果一刻,半夜十二點幾既時候,我有個聽落或者有啲奇怪既衝動,我好想洗車

第二日,Kelly上咗黎我office,本來我都有啲驚佢會好似Jolly姐咁癲,但係估唔到佢上到黎又好鬼死有禮貌,仲一見到我就沙曬冧

Sorry
呀,琴晚嘔到你成車都係

哈,哈,我真係唔知點應佢,唯有苦笑兩聲話,唔止架車,其實連條褲都瀨曬野

我買過條俾你呀

咁你不如買過架車比我

果一刻我係完全唔想見到佢,我覺得我果吓個態度係直程有啲趕客:小姐,其實你有咩貴干。老實講,我準備就blacklist佢添架啦。

我想搵段好姻緣

對唔住,我真係幫唔到你,出面門口坐lift落兩層有間叫乜乜勁既婚姻介紹中心,你可以考慮吓

其實我去過好多間架啦

話說我一路聽佢講,原來佢又真係差唔多去曬咁多間同行果度,但係次勁次唔係搞到一鑊泡被人blacklist就係介紹俾佢果啲無個啱feel,咁抵死啦,死MK學人講feel

咁其實本身我覺得佢好抵死既,但係佢又話,果啲唔啱feel果啲唔係嫌人樣衰,係好多都係玩家諗住滾佢上床食免費餐

唔好睇我著到咁就以為我好易俾人食呀,我好潔身自愛架

我當堂嚇一跳,然後得啖笑,認真你著到咁,點估得到你呀。但係都唔緊要啦,咁潔身自愛係完全可以考慮吓返教會等耶穌打救既,但係我就唔想做你生意啦,你走啦

講完,佢又唔出聲,淨係抆住個嘴唇好似想喊咁,我知呢個時候一定唔可以心軟,咪當堂HiSeven佢囉

你走啦,我唔想見到你呀

佢頭dump dump咁粒聲都唔出,我就緊係唔會手下留情啦:你走唔走呀,我數三聲

一二三,我Hi,佢真係瀨死唔走喎,條今天仲要喊添。嗱,呢啲今天我見得多,受軟唔受硬,於是我當堂連tone都轉埋拍下佢膊頭安慰佢又遞曬紙巾又盛

唔好喊啦,乖啦

Chok曬樣Chok聲咁係度tum條今天,嘩Auntie,連我都接受唔到我自己咁向左走向右走假,但係佢竟然受喎!

我睇住佢起身攞袋轉身準備走,本來件事就告一段落架啦,但係,但係咩呢,我唔向左走向右走記得左一件好緊要既野。

條今天果陣已經揸向左走向右走個門柄準備byebye我就好行夾唔送架啦,但係佢停左兩秒,然後轉身同我講:但係我比左三次錢,依家淨係去左一次咋喎

頂!

你知唔知,做呢一行最痛苦既,唔係你名下無一條女嫁得出無一條仔結到婚,結唔到婚,佢地仲會俾生意你做,但係最痛苦既係,你要做一單你完全唔想做既生意

有人會話的士拒載就犯法姐,唔做生意都唔得?嗱,因為有啲女士呢,我唔知佢地係有預感自己好難嫁得出定買野習慣開有優惠就買多啲,有啲女士係會癲到呢,一次過交十二期即係一年過既錢

你話退錢俾佢咩,佢唔要呀,我見過一個係贊拿斯啲囝黎既,唔知咩事總之好麻煩,公司寧願退錢俾佢,都唔要,佢係大堂門口果度發曬脾氣咁話我唔要錢,我要初戀!果次真係笑向左走向右走到我Hi Hi


人地話,有咁耐風流就有咁耐折墮,但係我風流都未風流,點解就咁折墮?

話說果間無線啱啱播向左走向右走完一套好有爭議性又好有話題性而同時又同我做既呢行好有關既綜藝節目,你估吓係咩?

無錯,相信豬兜都估向左走向右走到啦,就係盛女愛作戰

呢套集合港女,今天同豬系種種人類之中最醜惡既品種於一身既綜藝節目一出街就被人Hi到飛起,但係佢所掀起既一股求愛婚介熱潮真係好潮吹咁影響曬全香港七百萬市民,尤其係女性。而當中,係包括左我最欽敬既事頭婆。

咁話說佢有日曾經問過我話,喂石仔呀,你覺得果套盛女好唔好睇呀?

哈,Auntie臭系,你真係當我揸流攤架?知唔知我最出名係咩呀?就係做狗呀!呢啲咁簡單既問題我點會唔識答呢

okay既,不過啲主持就似乎麻麻地,特別係果個MeiLing姐,如果由事頭婆你去做,應該仲好睇

我見事頭婆猶疑左陣,望住呀MeiLing姐張相,然後話:吓,呢個MeiLing好熟面口,我諗我識佢

其實MeiLing姐主持風格就幾特別,我諗唔係個個觀眾識得欣賞,我自己就覺得佢好定囉,好壓到場

石仔呀,其實我都覺得可能我地做仲好過佢,啲人講野都無point既,有power先有point架嘛,powerpoint呀嘛,係咪

See?
我每日就係咁樣同我事頭婆進行啲咁勁無意義既對話,但係你係唔可以hea勁佢,果個老細黎架嘛,你hea勁佢,傻向左走向右走左呀?所以 我每次同佢傾計,我唔只啲對話又有power又有point,我仲係交足內心戲。咩叫內心戲呀,即係好似頭先個情況咁,你老細講左句佢認為好有哲理既說 話,首先你第一件事唔好哦哦哦係呀咁樣,你太快明左咪顯得你老細講啲野唔夠特別囉,咁要點呢,嗱,我塞錢落你袋,你首先要用一個好疑狐迷茫既眼神望向眼既 左上角或者右上角,心理學家話,咁樣係代表一個人思考緊,而同時你可以加啲小動作,例如輕輕力咬唇,或者用個拳頭托住你下巴,無錯,就好似果個叫沉思者既 雕塑一樣,黎點呢,黎增加你果種好似係漆黑中尋覓真相一樣既思考既表現

而經過左幾秒既沉思之後,你相信你已經搵到左個真相既時候,你千萬唔好好向左走向右走大聲咁哦我明啦咁勁叫出黎,做咩姐,做咩姐,吓?唔好咁浮誇,果種喜悅係要含蓄得黎又有一種好似漆黑之中睇見一隻螢火蟲一樣咁驚喜

我知要去個境界唔係咁易,但雖然你依家唔得,但比啲心機,你第時就得架啦

咁講返正題,事頭婆係睇完盛女愛作戰之後,憑佢幾十年黎積落黎既人脈,佢老味真係俾佢搵左間媒體啦,邊間唔講啦,搞左個類似盛女咁既programme

而再講返正題,咁又同Kelly有咩關係呢?

無錯啦,我就係踢左條今天去參加呢個咁醜惡既programme啦!......

未完!格式所限,按此>>繼續收看《做過婚姻介紹中心,先明白有d女係傻架。第二集》(下)

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